Office Hijinks II
by NeedWings2Fly
Summary: This will be a chapter story. Nice to everyone at the moment :) More trouble caused by Steph due to boredom.
1. Chapter 1

I own nothing although I would love to keep the Merry Men. I'm going to try to post a new one every week day. I don't plan to need any warnings but since I can't predict it, I'll put them (if needed) at the start of every post. It's mostly being done as emails between Stephanie and her Merry Man of the day. Thanks for reading.

Office Hijinks II – Chapter 1

My name is Stephanie Plum and I work for Rangeman Security doing searches in a cube. I'm 5'7", 125 lbs (depending on the Tasty Pastry and Pinos), with blue eyes and curly brown hair. I used to bounce back and forth with my on / off boyfriend, Joe Morelli but we ended it with a calm talk about a year ago when I started full time at Rangeman. The other man in my life is my boss who is currently out of town on a mission. His name is Ricardo Carlos Manoso a.k.a. Ranger. He is 6', 200 lbs of muscle covered by yummy mocha latte skin with long black hair. He has been gone for three months now. Before he left we were getting closer (talking, not physical). Well, my job is kinda boring while waiting for searches to run so I decided today that I'm going to make up scenarios for choose your own adventures for the guys and do it over email. I decide to start with Hal. I pull up outlook and address the email to Hal and ask if he wants to play choose your own adventure and he says yes.

_**Start Email**_

**Stephanie**: Ranger throws a party for all of the Merry Men at an old run down mansion. There is tons of food and alcohol. The DJ is on fire. Everyone is having a blast. You have only had a single beer but suddenly you find yourself feeling very faint. You faint and fall. You wake up and you appear to be in a basement (the guys threw you down there for being a light weight). You look around and see a door in the wall. You approach and knock but nothing, so you open it. You stick your head thru the doorway and see a sunny green meadow even though your watch says ten pm. Do you go thru the doorway?

**Hal** shakes his head and sighs: Yes, I'll go thru. You better not get me in trouble.

**Stephanie**: Lighten up Hal. So you go thru the door and it shuts behind you. You look around and see in the distance a castle to the left and a hill to the right. Which way?

**Hal**: I'll go to the hill. I need a weapon before exploring a castle. Duh!

**Stephanie**: I'm the game mistress. You get a weapon when I give you one.

**Hal**: Fine. Go ahead oh mighty game mistress.

**Stephanie**: Thank you. You walk to the top of the hill and find a stick. The stick is six feet long and three inches around. It is strong and firm. You see a village in the distance that appears peaceful. The castle to the left appears run down and slightly creepy. What do you do?

**Hal**: A freaking staff, seriously?! _ A Stick! Fine, ok. I'm going to the village and try to find a freaking sword or something.

**Stephanie**: Be good or this stops! So you double time it to the village and there are wood goblins everywhere. They quickly over power you with your stick. What's left of you enjoys a lovely funeral at the top of the hill. By the way, looks are deceiving and the castle had a ton of weapons. The End!

_**End Email**_

Stephanie hears a roar and stands up to see Hal, standing red faced, yelling "You killed me with wood goblins. What the hell?"

The guys were all frozen and turned all eyes to Tank as he came out and asked what was wrong. Hal said nothing and left for the gym. Tank looked at Steph and held eye contact for a second than returned to his office as work resumed. Steph sat down smiling.


	2. Chapter 2

I own nothing although I would love to keep the Merry Men. I'm going to try to post a new one every week day. I don't plan to need any warnings but since I can't predict it, I'll put them (if needed) at the start of every post. It's mostly being done as emails between Stephanie and her Merry Man of the day. Thanks for reading.

Warning: Language

I saw the request for Lester and his scenario will be next week, the last one. Trust me it'll be worth it.

Office Hijinks II – Chapter 21

As I sit here on this lovely Tuesday morning, I think about who my victim, I mean email buddy, will be today. I am torn between Hector (I found out he secretly speaks English) and Cal. As I think I hear a throat clear.

"Working hard little girl?"

"Hey Tank, yup working really hard. It's just so freaking boring."

Tank just sighed and walked away.

I decided that I'm going to make Cal my email buddy today.

_**Start Email **_

**Stephanie**: Hey Cal, wanna play choose your own adventure? I'll be the game mistress.

**Cal: **What the hell, let's play.

**Stephanie:** Ok awesome . You are sitting in your truck on surveillance in the driver's seat with Binkie in the passenger seat. A call comes through about an alarm and you are asked to respond. You arrive at the address, an old warehouse, after securing the perimeter, you and Binkie enter. The warehouse is empty except for a box. The box is about six feet by six feet and it is vibrating slightly. Do you open it? At the warehouse or transport it to Rangeman?

**Cal**: I open the box in the warehouse. It might be a kidnapping victim or something.

**Stephanie**: *Sigh* always so practical. You send Binkie for a crowbar from your rig and on his return you open the box. At first you see nothing but than you see hundreds of fairies fly from the box. They stay in a group and the lead one approaches you. Binkie has passed out in shock so you step over him and examine the lead fairy. It is only about six inches tall, female, dressed in blue. She says they were all kidnapped and asks for your help. Do you help?

**Cal**: Hmm, that's a tough one. Am I hallucinating?

**Stephanie**: No, you're not. Decide.

**Cal**: Fine, I'll do it.

**Stephanie**: Don't sound so enthused.

**Cal**: Their fucking fairies. I'm a badass. Bad asses don't do fairies.

**Lester typing in Stephanie's email**: Cal does fairies. Cal does fairies. Ha ha ha

_**End Email**_

Stephanie stood up and watched Cal knock Lester out but hey, he deserved it.

_**Restart Email**_

**Stephanie**: Nice punch.

**Cal**: Thanks. You and your fucking fairies. So ok, yeah, I'll help them. Fucking fairies.

**Stephanie**: Man up. So you agree to help the ten fairies get back to their home. You run out to the truck and empty out your gear bag and put them in it, leaving the zipper cracked for air. You wake Binkie up but tell him nothing. The two of you return to Rangeman and you get in your personal rig to return the fairies to freedom. Do you just find a forest or do you consult the fairies on where to go?

**Cal**: Duh, consult them.

**Stephanie**: This is the last time I do this with you. Butthead. You ask the fairies and they tell you that they live in the Pine Barrens so you drive there. Upon your arrival you see the Jersey Devil and the fairies act very afraid. You ask what's wrong and they say the Jersey Devil eats fairies. What do you do?

**Cal**: I'll kill it.

**Stephanie**: Of course you will. You tell the fairies to stay put and you leave your rig with your Glock in your hand. You approach the Jersey Devil but he hears you. A fight ensues but you kick his ass and double tap him to the head. You release the fairies safely. Congrats, you win. The end.

_**End Email**_

Stephanie stood up to watch Cal. He jumped up from his chair and ran over to Lester.

"Fuck you pussy. I killed the Jersey Devil."

Tank watched this and just sighed heavily.


	3. Chapter 3

I own nothing although I would love to keep the Merry Men. It's mostly being done as emails between Stephanie and her Merry Man of the day. Thanks for reading.

I'm behind on posting (works been insane) but I plan to get back on track.

Warning: Language

I saw the requests for Ranger and Tank. They will probably be last.

Office Hijinks II – Chapter 3

As I sit here on this lovely, dreary Monday afternoon, I think about who to play with today. I finally decide on Binkie since I did his partner Cal yesterday. I sent him the email inviting him to play and waited. Before he had a chance to respond Tank walked over to me.

"Little girl, do you know anything about Hal and wood goblins? I had to send him to talk to Bobby cause he keeps muttering about them killing him."

"No Tank, I meow don't know anything. Is he alright? Did he meow experience something traumatic lately?"

Tank sighed and rubbed his chin, "Leave diagnosing to Bobby. I don't know how many times I'm going to have to tell you that. And stop watching medical shows."

"Sure thing big guy. Is there meow anything I can do to meow help?"

"Yeah, stop breaking the guys. First physical, now mental." I heard Tank mumble something about 'fucking Ranger' as he walked away. Hmm, I think he's a bit stressed.

_**Start Email**_

**Binkie**: Hey, yeah I'll play.

**Stephanie**: Ok. Just an fyi, I'm the game mistress and you don't get to jump ahead. Got it?

**Binkie**: Ma'am yes ma'am

**Stephanie**: STOP CALLING ME MA'AM!

**Binkie**: ha ha ha :D

**Stephanie**: Sigh, let's get started. You are working in your cube, randomly staring at the gray walls. Suddenly, the walls appear to be moving. It looks like something is crawling under the fabric. As you watch, the fabric tears and thousands of Grasshoppers coming from the cubicle walls. You climb onto your desk and look around. Suddenly, you see Lester coming from his office screaming "All Hail the Grasshopper King!" Lester tells you to kneel before the Grasshopper King. Do you?

**Binkie**: Wow, you're twisted.

**Stephanie**: Thank you, I try.

**Binkie**: I refuse to kneel before nut job the wanna be king.

**Stephanie**: Lester shoots you in each knee and grasshoppers climb your back forcing you to your knees. Lester is so insane at this point that your insubordination has pushed him over the edge and he has the grasshoppers eat you. Tank finally comes out of his office and double taps Lester. The end.

_**End Email**_

Stephanie stood up and called across the cubes, "Damn Binkie that was way too quick."

Binkie just stared at her and said "Fucking Lester, fucking Grasshopper king my fucking ass. He's going down."

Stephanie ran after Binkie as he stalked to Lester's office, "Stop Binkie! It was a game. It's not real." She jumped on Binkie's back and stunned him just as Lester came out of his office to see what the commotion was.

As Binkie went down with Stephanie on his back Tank came out, "What the fuck is going on?" he roared. He spied Binkie and Stephanie on the floor, wrapped an arm around Stephanie's waist and picked her up; he threw Binkie over his shoulder, and carried them to three. Tank tossed Binkie onto the exam table and told Bobby to deal with him and carried Stephanie to the basement. Steph's eyes grew wide seeing the cells down there. He went into an interrogation room and gently put her in a chair.

"What's going on?"

"Choose your own adventure. A simple game. I had no clue the guys would take it so seriously. I swear I wasn't trying to get them to act like this."

Tank rubbed his head and sighed. "Put a disclaimer on them at the start of the game. Make sure you tell them at the end too. This is getting a little too crazy even for these guys. When do I get mine?"

Steph was stunned, "You wanna play too?"

"Hell yeah little girl. Did you get Lester yet?"

"No, I have a truly twisted one for him. I'm already planning Hector's so you can go after him. Than Bobby and Lester."

"Deal. Pretend I reprimanded you."

"Ok Big Guy."

They both made their way upstairs and back to work.


	4. Chapter 4

I own nothing although I would love to keep the Merry Men. It's mostly being done as emails between Stephanie and her Merry Man of the day. Thanks for reading.

I'm behind on posting (works been insane) but I plan to get back on track. The meow thing is from Super Troopers and was in Office Hijinks.

Warning: Language, topic is kinda twisted / weird

Office Hijinks II Ch. 4

It was a sunny Monday morning and Steph was bored out of her skull. She had already emailed Hector to see if he was going to play. She spun around slowly in her chair while waiting until she spun into Bobby. Bobby stopped the chair, grabbed her, and threw her over his shoulder. He ran quickly to the stairs and up to the roof. Once on the roof, Bobby set her gently on a chair and quickly tied her to it.

"What the hell Bobby?"

"I got a hold of your list for choose your own adventures. You plan to make me practice cannibalism. The story line for Lester is truly twisted yet funny as hell. Why do I have to be the one to eat people? What did I ever do to you?"

"Stay outta my stuff. Fine, Hector can have the cannibalism story line. You still have to be in Lester's. It won't work otherwise. You giant monkey ass, whore goblin, butthead."

"I was going to untie you but since you just called me that untie yourself." With that Bobby went down five. I sat there thinking for a few minutes than decided to try to get my phone out. I got it out but dropped it. I toed my sandals off and managed to use speed dial to reach Tank.

"Yo little girl"

Steph leaned forward as much as she could and hollered into the phone, "Hey big guy, I need a hand real quick. Can you come up to the roof?"

"Why are you yelling and why are you on the roof?"

"I can't really get too close to my phone cause I'm a bit tied up at the moment. I can't answer why I'm on the roof but don't worry I'll get revenge." At that point, Tank hung up. Roughly two minutes later the roof door was thrown open against the wall and Tank, Woody, Hector, Lester, Bobby, and Bones all came busting through the door with guns drawn.

"Hi guys! Can you untie me?"

The guys holstered their guns and Tank came forward to cut the ropes. "Who did this? Was it one of the guys?"

Stephanie rubbed her arms, "Don't worry about it Tank. I'll get my own revenge."

Woody looked sick, "I feel sorry for the poor bastard. If you need help, I'm in."

Stephanie heard the rest of the guys agree with Woody and watched Bobby go pale. She internally giggled, "thanks guys." They all left to head back to work. Steph arrived in her cube and saw a response from Hector about playing. He was in.

_**Start Email**_

**Hector**: So who tied you up?

**Stephanie**: I'm not telling. I'll take care of it before the end of the day.

**Hector**: If you need help, I'm in.

**Stephanie**: Thanks Hermano. Ok now to the game. I was told to use a disclaimer. So none of this is real, it's all make believe. Got it?

**Hector**: *sigh* yes

**Stephanie**: lol. You, Lester, Bobby, Woody, and Cal are on Ranger's private plan heading to Mexico for a well deserved vacation. Other than the five of you, there is only the two pilots and one flight attendant. Suddenly, you hear the engines cut out and the plane quickly descends. The plane crashes and the two pilots and the flight attendant are dead. Bobby is wounded but you, Lester, Woody, and Cal are fine. All of you work together to bury the dead and scout the area. No one finds anything and all of you realize that you are truly in trouble. What do you do first: shelter, food, or water?

**Hector**: Wow, water and food.

**Stephanie**: You stay with Bobby to protect his sorry wounded ass. The rest of the guys go and look for food and water. They find water but there is nothing for food. A shelter is made and all of you settle in for the night with random attempts to hunt for food. Things are looking bleak. In the morning, you fashion an SOS out of stones. Three days later, none of you have had any food and there is no hope for rescue. All of you are starving and Bobby finally succumbs to his injuries. You have to make a decision. Hope for rescue and hold out or make use of the available meat. What does your group decide.

**Hector**: Damn, that's harsh. You want me to decide if we eat dead Bobby's flesh. Damn, I have to think for a few minutes on this one.

_**End Email **_

Stephanie got up and went to the garage. She slipped quietly into the tool room and found a roll of hot pink duck tape that was Ella's. After shoving it in her purse, she took the elevator to three and entered Bobby's clinic.

"Bobby, my wrist hurts. Can you look at it please?"

Bobby quickly came over and took her 'hurt' left hand, "Damn Bomber, I hope this isn't my fault. Where does it hurt?"

Stephanie felt only slightly bad as she stunned him with the stun gun in her right hand. She carefully put him into his chair and proceed to duck tape his arms to the chair arms, his legs together and him to the chair. She took a container of Elmer's Glue from her purse that she picked up on lunch and randomly sprayed Bobby with it (avoiding his face) but made sure to get his hair really good. After the glue was in place, she pulled out two huge containers of glitter, one pink, one purple, and glittered him liberally. After a photo session that was instantly uploaded to Facebook, she took the mostly empty fire extinguisher that she bought for two bucks and a big mac from Mooner and tied it carefully to the chair. She rolled Bobby to the elevator and took him to the garage. Once in the garage, she pulled the fire alarm and waited thirty seconds for everyone to run down then duck taped down the handle and pulled the pin. Everyone watched in shocked awe as Bobby, in all his glittery glory, went careening through the garage with the fire alarm blaring. Suddenly, it went quiet and everyone heard Tank roar "Stephanie, my office now!"

Stephanie looked at the door to the stairs as it slammed behind Tank's retreating form. The guys were all laughing, some on the floor, a few suspicious wet spots on pants, as she did the walk of shame to the elevator. She arrived on the fifth floor to see Binkie and Ram laughing as they watched the garage while doing the monitors. She walked into Tank's office and sat down after shutting the door.

"Little girl do you know why I called you in here?"

"Sorry big guy but he deserved it. He started it."

"Ah hell, forget about that. He tied you up first. I have the tape from three and the garage all ready to watch." Tank got up and moved to the couch in his office after pulling a bag of chips out of his desk drawer and getting two sodas from his mini fridge. Steph joins him as they sit and watch the tapes of her prank laughing their asses off. Suddenly, the door was slammed against the wall as Bobby flung it open.

"What the fuck? What the fuck were you thinking? I see how it fucking is. It's on now. First you stun me, than you glitter me, set me flying in the garage with a fire extinguisher and I find out that your scenario for Hector has me dead and him having to decide to eat my dead body or not. What the fuck is wrong with you? Aaarghhh!" Tank calmly stood, stunned Bobby, and took him to a holding cell after telling Steph to stay.

Stephanie returned to her cubicle slightly stunned by Bobby's reaction. She opened Outlook and saw that Hector had decided. Torn she opened the email and read about Hector wanting to eat Bobby's dead body. She decided to end the game with him for the day before Bobby broke mentally.

_Hector, _

_Turns out Bobby wasn't really dead. Game over. For now. _

_I just don't want Bobby to complete his nervous breakdown._

_3_

_Steph_


	5. Chapter 5

I own nothing although I would love to keep the Merry Men. It's mostly being done as emails between Stephanie and her Merry Man of the day. Thanks for reading.

I'm behind on posting (works been insane) but I plan to get back on track. The meow thing is from Super Troopers and was in Office Hijinks.

Warning: Language, topic is kinda twisted / weird

Office Hijinks II Ch. 5

Stephanie woke up on Wednesday and wondered what the day would bring. She stretched in bed and felt her foot hit something so she suddenly sat up. She saw a box on her bed with a note:

_Steph, _

_Put this on. It's our game now. If you want to see your Grandma again, you'll follow the instructions. The clues will eventually lead you to her. _

_Bobby, Cal, and Hal_

She opened the box and found a Wonder Woman costume and a small notebook with clues. Opening the notebook she saw that the first instruction was to put the costume on and go talk to Mooner and Dougie. After showering, she put on the revealing costume. Deciding it was too revealing, she added a black cape and left for Mooner's. On arrival, Mooner and Dougie came running from the house. Mooner was wearing black jeans, a batman t-shirt, batman boxers outside his jeans, and a purple sheet as a cape. Dougie was slightly better wearing camo pants and shirt, a black sheet as a cape, and a black Zorro mask.

"Dudette, how righteous of you to visit the Moon Man and Doug the Dougster."

Steph sighed, "Hey guys, where's Grandma? I know you are helping the Merry Men."

"Dudette, we need some chicken nuggets and than we gotta go to Sally's."

"Fine, everyone in the car."

Steph ran through the McDonald's drive thru and went to Sally Sweet's apartment. On arrival the seven foot tall, really hairy, cross dresser was waiting outside in a red tank top, blue micro mini and a red sheet cape with black thigh high glitter boots.

"Holy shit!" Steph was stunned at the sight of Sally.

She didn't hear Morelli walk up to her.

"Looking good Cupcake. The boys miss you. Why don't you come see Bob tonight? Holy fuck what the hell is that?" Morelli finally saw Sally.

"Fuck you fucking pig. I look hot. I'm a fucking super hero with Wonder Woman, Bat boy, and Zorro hero. Fuck, she doesn't want your fucking boys. She don't wanna come see your fucking ass tonight. She's got Batman's fucking ass. Fucking pigs."

Morelli stepped up to Sally, "Did you just call me a pig? You crazy, cross dressing fucking nut job."

Sally got even closer, "You fucking pig, clean your fucking piggy ears out. A fucking classy chick like Steph wouldn't ever want your hairy, pig ass."

Steph stepped between the two irritated men, "Sally, he knows it's over. Relax. He didn't mean any offense. Morelli, leave him alone."

Morelli stalked off to his car and sped off. Steph turned to Sally and channeled her inner Ranger, "Explain."

"Dudette, we're like your fucking super hero fucking team. Justice League unite."

Mooner shook his head, "You're thinking of the Wonder Twins, dude."

"Whatever dude, it doesn't matter. What matters is that we're fucking super heroes with Steph. We could probably fucking fly or something." With that Sally opened his arms and started pretending to be a plane.

Steph pinched her nose and shook her head, "No one is flying. You have no powers. Now get in the fucking car"

All three boys, I mean men, pouted as Steph drove them to Rangeman. Upon arrival at Rangeman, Steph and her merry band of misfits got out and went up the elevator. Tank was waiting on them, "Problems little girl?"

"Bobby, Cal, and Hal kidnapped Grandma Mazur. I want her back or these three are coming to work here in your office." Steph crossed her arms and stood firm with the misfits behind her.

Tank rubbed his head and sighed, "Bobby, Cal, Hal fall in!"

All three came running and stood at attention in front of Tank. "Give her Grandma Mazur now and take Mooner, Dougie, and Sally home. Now!"

Bobby stepped forward, "But Tank, she…." Tank smacked Bobby up the back of the head before he could come close to finishing, "I said now. I don't want Mooner, Dougie, Sally, and Grandma Mazur working here. Take them home."

The boys all left with Grandma. Tank took Steph by the arm and took her into his office, "Are you done now?"

Steph got a gleam in her eyes, "Oh hell no, it's on now."

Tank sighed as she left the office.

_The Next Morning _

Bobby woke up and shook his head, he went to get up and felt weight on both wrists and ankles. He looked down and saw that he was cuffed and shackled to Hal on the left and Cal on the right. Hal woke up and pulled at the same time as Cal. Bobby pulled back from both, "Stop pulling assholes. Now on three sit up, one, two, three."

All three men sat up and saw that they were outside the Tasty Pastry chained to the outside tables that were bolted down. Bobby was dressed as a sheep molester, Hal was dressed as a giant baby, and Cal was dressed as a Cat Woman. Hearing laughter, they all turned their heads and saw Steph laughing in the Wonder Woman costume and Hector laughing in a Superman costume.

Steph walked over, "Are we even?"

Bobby was livid, "Hell no, it's on."

Steph shook her head, "You tied me up first, I killed you in a story, you kidnapped Grandma Mazur, I embarrassed you, leave it alone now."

"Hell no!"

"Have a good day. I'm not letting you free." Steph and Hector walked over to Ranger's Porsche 911 and drove away.


	6. Chapter 6

I own nothing although I would love to keep the Merry Men. It's mostly being done as emails between Stephanie and her Merry Man of the day. Thanks for reading.

The meow thing is from Super Troopers and was in Office Hijinks.

**Warning: Language, topic is twisted / weird **

Office Hijinks II Ch. 6

Stephanie sat at her desk a week after the 'costume incident' as it was called and decided she'd see if Lester wanted to play.

_**Start Email**_

**Stephanie**: Hey Lester the MoLester. Wanna play choose your own adventure? I have a really good one for you?

**Lester**: Sure, I'll play. I hope it's a really, really good one for your favorite Merry Man.

**Stephanie**: I haven't played with Woody yet but when I do, I'll make sure it's really good.

**Lester**: You wound me Beautiful. Does it involve you running away with me forever? I'll be your love slave.

**Stephanie**: _ Damn it Lester the MoLester, how many times do I have to tell you I don't want you to be my love slave. A man dressed in women's clothes does nothing for me. Now do you wanna play or not?

**Lester**: *pouts* I get drunk and try on Lula's clothes one time. Fine, start it.

**Stephanie**: You have just finished renovating that fishing cabin you bought so you invite Ranger, Tank, Bobby, Hal, and Cal to come for dinner and fishing. That morning Hal went to pick up a skip and accidently got bitten by the man. What he didn't realize was it was infected. Dinner had just ended; all of you were sitting around the fireplace having a beer. Hal suddenly got up and lunged at Cal. The infection had set in fully. He received super human strength and speed from the infection in addition to the desire for human flesh and brains. You stood on the side of the room, stunned as you watched Hal kill and eat Ranger, Bobby, and Cal. Tank, in his drunken wisdom, was in the corner of the room recording the whole thing on his iPad. He truly believed that they were just play fighting. After they were dead, Hal lurched rapidly towards the door and into the night. You break from your stupor and run to the door, hoping to catch Hal and kill him but he was out of sight.

Tank walks up and claps you on the back, "That was some fight man. I'm surprised that Hal won though."

You shake Tank off, "Fuck you Tank. Hal killed and ate them. They weren't fighting. You taped Ranger, Bobby, and Cal's murder."

Tank got mad and punched you, "Fuck you douche bag. They were fighting. I'm outta here."

You watched as Tank got into your truck, the only vehicle there, and drove off leaving you stranded in the woods.

What do you do? Feel bad and off yourself, go to Rangeman for help, go rouge zombie killer, etc?

**Lester**: Holy shit Stephanie. That's fucked up, majorly fucked up. What the hell is wrong with your head?

**Stephanie**: It's not real Lester. What do you do?

**Lester**: Fine, I strap on every weapon I have at the cabin, six handguns and an AK-47. I also grab my freshly sharpened sword and strap the sheath to my back. I go rouge.

**Stephanie**: I don't normally allow you to pick your own weapons but I will this time. Do you really have a sword and an AK-47? Can I play with them sometime?

**Lester**: Yes and yes.

**Stephanie**: Awesome, I look forward to it. You take off running back to Trenton hoping to encounter Hal but you don't. When you make it to the outskirts of town, you see total mayhem. Apparently, Hal has been rather bitey while you prepared. All those that he has turned have also been biting at an alarming rate. By the time you arrive, almost half of Trenton is infected.

Do you stay rouge and alone or do you go to Rangeman?

**Lester**: That's a quick spreading infection. I stay alone cause Rangeman may already be infected.

**Stephanie**: Ok. You move through the city looking for Hal, beheading zombies as you go along. You are two blocks from the bonds office and you see your truck parked outside. After running to the office, you see Tank inside with Lula and Connie.

You enter, "Hey, what are you three doing here?"

Lula giggled, "We're helping Tank repopulate the earth."

Connie rolled her eyes, "How are you Lester?"

"Surviving. Tank, Can I have my truck back?"

"Nope, me and the ladies need it more. Besides, there are some stains you wouldn't want to be near." Tank giggled like a school boy and nuzzled Connie's neck.

You sigh and just leave. You travel a few more miles and come across a car dealership. They have pretty much every kind of car.

Which car do you take?

**Lester**: Wow, you are twisted. I like that in a woman. I would steal a Hummer.

**Stephanie**: Thanks, I think. You go into the office, find the keys to a Hummer, and take off. You run down all the zombies you come across. This goes on for a week. You have the Hummer fully stocked with food, water, and ammo. You keep your trademark weapon, the sword, on the passenger seat. You come upon Tank, Connie, and Lula at the police station. You suit up with your weapons and enter the building. You loot for all the weapons you can and have a great deal of success with the grenades you found. You are coming out and see Tank and Lula in your Hummer and Connie driving the truck they already stole from you.

Sighing you approach Tank, "What the hell man? That's my Hummer."

Tank laughed, "Fuck you pussy. We're taking it and your supplies." You jump back as Tank throws a marshmallow at your head. He then does a few donuts around you and speeds off with Connie following.

Do you steal another vehicle from the dealership, steal it back from Tank, etc?

**Lester**: Damn, Tank's a dick. I steal one from the dealership, an Explorer.

**Stephanie**: Ok, so you run back to the dealership and steal an Explorer. You than set out to resupply being smart for once, you create a home base in an abandoned apartment building with four floors. You take the fourth floor and secure everything. You spend a week resupplying and looking for Hal. You finally find him shoveling moldy donuts at the Tasty Pastry in his mouth. You look at your former friend and you feel for him, regardless of what he had done, he was still your friend, just sick.

What do you do?

**Lester**: I would double tap him without a second thought. I wouldn't use the sword. I would want him to suffer seeing the gun being raised and the bullets as they leave the barrel.

**Stephanie**: That makes so much noise that it attacks more zombies. They promptly devour you. You're dead sucka.

**Lester**: Ah Beautiful, that's not fair. Come on, give me another chance. It's Tank's fault cause he's such a giant dick.

**Stephanie**: Nope, sorry game over.

_End Email_

Stephanie went to Lester's cubicle to make sure he didn't do something stupid. Before she got there, Tank came out of his office.

Lester got up and got in Tank's face, "Nice to know that you can drink so much that when Ranger, Cal, and Bobby are murdered by Hal, you just tape it. Then you are a worthless man whore during the zombie apocalypse. You fucking pencil dick."

Tank looked stunned before his blank face descended, "What the fuck?"

I quickly got between them, "It was a game Les. Leave Tank alone."

Lester was livid, "He fucking stole my truck and my hummer. He stole my supplies. I could have died. The fucking twat."

Tank shook his head, "Steph, didn't I tell you to not get the guys riled? Now I have to do with this. Oh and I'm going to read the emailed story."

Tank raised his extremely large hand and knocked Lester out with one hit, "Cal, put him in a holding cell until he calms down. Keep an eye on him. Steph, my office now."

I followed Tank into his office and prepared to get ripped, "I'm sorry Tank. I guess I took it too far."

"Stop causing the guys to break mentally."


	7. Chapter 7

I own nothing although I would love to keep the Merry Men. It's mostly being done as emails between Stephanie and her Merry Man of the day. Thanks for reading.

The meow thing is from Super Troopers and was in Office Hijinks. Thanks to Margaret aka whymelucylu for the Merry Men suggestions and idea of Alligators. Alligator wrestling method from The Art of Manliness website.

Warning: Language, Do **not** try this at home.

Office Hijinks II Ch. 7

Stephanie decided that she needed to lay low for a few days to get Tank off her back so she left the games alone but it didn't seem to help. After four days Tank walked into her cube rubbing his bald head.

"Little girl, the guys are complaining cause they haven't had a turn playing choose your own adventure. Just play with the babies to shut them the hell up please. Junior is first to shut the bitch up."

Steph just watched him with her jaw dropped as he walked away. She than thought about what she had been told and rubbed her hands in glee. Manny saw her as he walked by and hollered "We get to play again. I feel sorry for the first bastard." Steph just laughed.

_**Start Email**_

**Stephanie:** Hey Junior. I heard you wanted to play choose your own adventure. Are you game? You do realize this is anything goes?

**Junior**: Hey bomber. Yeah, I know and I'm game. I'm not like the rest of these babies, I can take it.

**Stephanie**: If you say so manly man. The game starts now. You decide to take a vacation in New Orleans. You see a sign about learning alligator wrestling and think it sounds really fun and that they'd be tame gators. So you contact the man on the sign and arrange to meet with him the next day. You hit the bars and in the morning you meet up with the gator man, Al. Al informs you that they aren't tame gators; you find them in the bayou.

You nervously ask, "Al is this safe? Is this even legal?"

Al laughs, "Don't worry city boy. It's fine. Let's go catch a small gator and work up to a big one."

Do you go with Al to find a small gator to wrestle?

**Junior**: Hell yeah I do. That sounds awesome.

**Stephanie**: So you and Al head to the bayou and get in his boat. He takes you through the swamp to a small island well away from civilization. After getting out of the boat, you see several gators sunning themselves on the island. Al explains the steps to wrestle an alligator: 1. Get on the alligator's back from behind. Do this by taking you shirt and using it as a blindfold. Throw the shirt over the gator's eyes than take a running leap from behind onto the gator's back. Pin the head to the ground. Put your knees on the ground and squeeze the flanks with your lower legs. Keep the gator's rear legs from the ground to prevent a 'death roll'. 2. Press on the eyes. Put your fingers under the gator's jaw and you'll feel soft skin around bone. With fingers under the jaw and palm and thumb on top, grip firmly. Do this with both hands while keeping the head pressed to the ground. 3. Lift the head towards you. Once it is at about a ninety degree angle, the alligator can no longer fight back. You win. 4. Move your hands to the gator's eyes and press down. Move your knees up so that you are squatting on the gator's back keeping your body tight to it's body. Jump back quickly and run zig zag away. Al asks if you still want to do it.

Do you wrestle a gator?

**Junior:** Did you research this?

**Stephanie: **Of course, duh. Well?

**Junior**: Yeah, I'll try it.

**Stephanie**: You look at all of the gators with Al and he picks a four footer out for you. You do as you were told and get on the gator's back but pulling the head back is harder than you thought. You keep trying and eventually get it. You climb off the gator and it runs at you. After you run zig zag for thirty minutes, it finally gives up on you and goes back to the water. Al suggests a ten footer.

Do you do it?

**Junior**: Yup, bring it on.

**Stephanie**: Ego much. You wrestle the ten footer and win. Al offers a twenty foot gator.

Do you wrestle it?

**Junior**: Nope, I'm good. I don't want to risk getting killed.

**Stephanie**: Congratulations, you win. Smart man.

_**End Email **_

Steph watched as Junior got up and started dancing around singing about how he's a champion and the man. Tank saw this and just smiled.


	8. Chapter 8

I own nothing although I would love to keep the Merry Men. It's mostly being done as emails between Stephanie and her Merry Man of the day. Thanks for reading.

The meow thing is from Super Troopers and was in Office Hijinks. Thanks to Margaret aka whymelucylu for the Merry Men suggestions. Python hunting tips from and an NBC video.

Warning: Language, topic may be offensive, Do **not** try this at home. As suggested, if you are reading at work, do so in private.

**Office Hijinks II Ch. 8**

Stephanie sat in her cube playing on Facebook, I mean working hard, and thought about who to make her next victim. Binkie, Tank, Manny, Woody, who to pick. She got up to get coffee and ran right into Manny.

Manny helped her straighten up, "Um Steph, can I ask you something?"

"Yup" Steph said popping the p.

Manny shuffled his feet and sighed, "Um I was wondering if you could um well um."

"Just spit it out Manny."

"Pickmenext"

"What?"

Manny cleared his throat, "Pick me next for your um game."

Steph hugged him, "Done. I'll email you after I get coffee. Do you like snakes?"

"Um yeah."

"Good" Steph continued on her way to get her coffee.

Upon returning to her cube, Steph remembered Manny. She had an awesome idea based on an article she had read.

_**Start Email**_

**Stephanie**: Hey Manny, are you ready to play? Are you sure you aren't scared of snakes?

**Manny**: Hey Steph. Let's play. Nope, not scared of snakes.

**Stephanie**: Ok, play time. You decide to take a vacation to Florida, the Everglades. You heard that they have python hunting. You fly down, rent a truck, get a hotel, go get your python hunting permit for $26 and head to the class. Upon arrival to the class, you see a bunch of men standing around staring at a python on the ground. The teacher introduces himself as Steve.

Steve starts the class "You will be looking for the distinctive shimmer of the pythons as you drive around or go around in your boats. When you have the snake cornered, please remember that they will evacuate their bowels. You can bag the snake and bring it in so that we can kill for you. You can kill it yourself in any way you decide on. You must bring in the body to get credit for it. After checking the snake in, you can send it for the skin to be made into shoes, bags, whatever or you can send it for the meat to be processed. Stay safe and have fun. Happy hunting."

You get a big smile on your face as you head back to your rental truck.

What mode of transportation do you use to hunt: the truck or a boat?

**Manny**: I like this. I'll use a boat.

**Stephanie: **Pick an unorthodox weapon.

**Manny**: C4

**Stephanie: **Way to pick something easy but I can work with this. You pick up some mice from a pet store and strap a tiny remote detonator and a small amount of C4 to each of the six mice. You set them loose near where you see a nest of pythons. The mice are all eaten by different snakes. You hit the detonator switch and BOOM! Snake parts are flying everywhere. Pieces of snake land in the water, on the shore, on you, on your rental truck, it's everywhere. All six snakes were each roughly ten to fifteen feet long. You start to see the downside of your plan when you see gators coming in response to the gore. You freeze as you look one in the eyes.

Do you stay frozen, shoot it, run?

**Manny**: Holy fuck Steph! What the hell? That's sick. I'm so proud of you. I run. Fuck the gators, I'm wearing the gore.

**Stephanie**: You start running zig zag back to the truck with snake parts flying into the air behind you. You see four python snakes to your left. There are three gators behind you. There is water to your right. Your truck is about ten feet in front of you. The snakes can strike, the gators can eat you.

What do you do?

**Manny**: I run to the truck as I fire shots at the snakes.

**Stephanie**: You pull your Glock and start firing on the snakes. It slows you just enough that you forgot to zig zag and the gator gets your left leg. You shoot the gator in the eye, chest, and tail. The other gators attack it and it releases your leg. You manage to barely pull yourself back to your truck after using your belt for a tourniquet to stop the bleeding. You no longer have a left leg below the knee. You get in the truck and the bleeding still wasn't stopped.

What do you do?

**Manny:** Shit, I fucked up. I kill myself.

**Stephanie:** Nope sorry, guess again.

**Manny:** Ok, fine. I treat my leg somehow.

**Stephanie**: You pull out your knife and a flare from the emergency kit. You light the flare and heat the knife. After the knife is red hot, you touch it to your stub of a leg and cauterize it. You grit your teeth from the pain but you do it. You drive yourself to the hospital and get treatment. The end, you kinda win.

**Manny**: Shit, that was intense.

_**End Email**_

Steph watched Manny get up and start jumping up and down, laughing the whole time.

Lester walked up to him, "What's wrong man?"

Manny laughed, "Nothing, I have two legs man. Two whole legs."

Manny suddenly kissed Lester on the mouth in glee and ran away laughing.

Steph, Lester, Tank, Hector, and the rest of the guys stood there stunned. Lester finally snapped himself out of his stupor and ran away muttering something about mouth wash.


	9. Chapter 9

I own nothing although I would love to keep the Merry Men. Thanks for reading.

The meow thing is from Super Troopers and was in Office Hijinks. Thanks to Margaret aka whymelucylu for the suggestion of giving a gift to Cindy Lou aka leah-audrysgramma.

Warning: Language, Do **not** try this at home. As suggested, if you are reading at work, do so in private.

**Office Hijinks II Ch. 9**

Steph walked into the break room to get a butterscotch krimpet and ran right into the wall named Hal. He grabbed her arms to make sure she was alright and asked what she needed.

"Hal, its ten am. It's butterscotch krimpet time."

Hal shuffled his feet and turned pink, "Bomber, Steph, do you really need a krimpet? Your jeans are looking a little tight." Hal brightened, "I can help you with a fitness regimen in the gym if you want. We can go running and do some crunches."

Steph punched Hal in the stomach but it hurt her more, "Stupid man, are you calling me fat?"

Hal turned bright red, turned, and ran for his life like the smart man he is. Steph chased him as far as the second floor where Hector grabbed her to stop her.

Hector watched Hal run away as he held Steph, "Chica, what's wrong? What did Hal do?"

"He called me fat!"

Hector was stunned, "Did he actually say fat?"

"Well, no but I'm shipping him off. I'm going to talk to Bobby but I'll need your help."

Steph kissed Hector on his tear drops and ran to the elevator to go to the third floor. Upon arrival at Bobby's medical suite, she boosted herself up to sit on his exam table.

Bobby looked at her with a worried expression, "Where are you hurt Bomber? What's wrong?"

Steph smiled at him, "I'm not hurt Bobby. I have a question for you. Is there something that could be injected into someone about your size that would knock them out for about two days?"

Bobby was suddenly very nervous, "Stephanie, those pranks were just pranks. The prank war is over. It's all good between us."

Steph laughed, "It's not for you Bobby. It's for someone else. I'm going to ship one of the guys off. Hector is helping."

Bobby reluctantly gave her the sedative and informed her to left Hector put an iv in the victim for a saline bag so he didn't get dehydrated.

Steph decided to be very careful in her preparation so nothing would happen to the ass goblin, I mean Hal. She went to Binkie and asked for a few MREs so that Crap booger would have food. After she had the MREs, she went back to Hector and told him her plan. Her and Hector went to the parking garage and called the wart-flapped turd puke down. When the shit goblin arrived, Steph showed him the packing crate that they had.

"Hal, I need to ship something big, about your size, can you climb in and make sure it'll fit for me please."

Hal looked skeptical, "What are you shipping and to where?"

"I'm shipping a dingle handler. The crate will be marked 'Handle with Care' and 'Extremely Fragile'. It's going over night to Minnesota."

Hal didn't want to admit that he didn't know what a dingle handler was so he climbed silently into the crate. Once he was in, Steph injected him with the sedative and Hector started the iv bag. Steph dropped the MREs, a few hundred dollars, and a few bottles of water into the crate. Hector nailed the top on carefully avoiding the air holes. The crate with the poo-skinned slag wagger into a cargo van and left the garage.

**The Next Day in Minnesota**

Cindy Lou was having her second cup of coffee for the day while hoping that some thing exciting would happen. She had spent the day before with her granddaughters, Audrey and Leah, so maybe she should relax some. She heard a knock at her front door and a vehicle driving off. She put down her cup and went to see what was going on and found a large crate on her walk way with some grunting noises coming out. Cindy Lou watched in awe as it fell and broke open displaying a man. He stood up and Cindy Lou was awed at how large he was. Hal shook his head to clear the cob webs as he looked at the woman in front of him.

Cindy Lou stared at the 6'4" man with short brown hair and melted chocolate brown eyes, "I'm Cindy Lou. Who are you?"

Hal stared smitten at the woman, Cindy Lou, "I'm Hal from Rangeman."

That was all Cindy Lou needed to hear. She grabbed Hal by the shirt, "Come here big boy", and dragged him into her house.

**Two Days Later**

**Email**

From: Cindy Lou

To: Stephanie at Rangeman

Subject: Mr. Yummy

Body:

Steph,

Thanks for the present. I'm enjoying him a great deal. I owe you one.

Cindy Lou.

**Email**

From: Hal

To: Stephanie at Rangeman

Subject: OMG

Body:

Bomber,

I owe you. Hot damn, this woman is going to kill me but what a way to go.

Tell Tank I'm on vacation and then I'll need a vacation.

Hal


	10. Chapter 10

I own nothing although I would love to keep the Merry Men. Thanks for reading.

The meow thing is from Super Troopers and was in Office Hijinks. Thanks to Margaret aka whymelucylu for the suggestion of Morelli.

Warning: Language, Do **not** try this at home. As suggested, if you are reading at work, do so in private.

**Office Hijinks II Ch. 10**

Steph was bored out of her skull; seriously it felt like the hamster on the wheel in her head was disco dancing due to boredom. She was slightly bored with messing with the Merry Men so she decided to mess with her ex-boyfriend, Joe Morelli. She would need assistance with her plan so she corralled Hector and Lester into helping. She would have gotten Hal but he was still in his love nest with Cindy Lou. Steph, Hector, and Lester went to the store and got all of the materials that she decided they needed before heading to the alley behind the bond's office.

Once there, they all put on masks and rubber gloves of before getting out of the suv. Steph's mask was a Batman mask, Hector's was a gas mask, and Lester was wearing a unicorn head mask. The three of them looked freaking nuts. Steph took the box of corn flakes from the bag in the back while Hector got a knife. Steph sprinkled some cereal on the ground, threw down the box, and went to get the bottle of ketchup. Hector stepped forward and started stabbing the box of cereal to make sure it looked real. Lester got the lawn gnome out and put the belt on it to hold the knife that Hector had just finished with. Steph squirted ketchup all over the box, the gnome, and the alley. They all got back into the suv after taking pictures and parked across the street. Steph pulled out her phone, blocked the call, and dialed detective Joe Morelli.

"This is Detective Morelli. How may I help you?"

Steph spoke through the voice changer that Hector provided, "Behind the bond's office. The one named for fruit. The cereal killer has struck and the red has streaked the concrete."

They could hear Morelli running and getting in a vehicle, "Who is this? Did you witness it?"

Steph hung up the phone and all three started laughing, "Let's see what the flying rat penis does."

They watched through binoculars as two police cars and Morelli's crap car screeched to a stop by the alley. Four cops and Morelli walked into the alley with guns drawn and they all heard Morelli's 'What the fuck? A fucking prank.' The cops went back to their cars laughing so hard that one fell to the floor and Morelli speed off as he was pissed. The tracking device that Hector had installed weeks prior showed him heading to Joyce Barnyard's house so they headed to the police station. They bussed in the back door and Steph let Big Dog know it was them.

He shook his head, "What's with the masks and the duffel bag?"

She giggled, "It's a gift for Morelli."

Him and Carl shook their heads, "Fine, I'm not asking further. Go ahead."

Lester, Steph and Hector went the short distance to Morelli's office, picked the lock, and shut themselves in. As soon as the door was shut, they pulled the blow up dolls from the duffel and started inflating them with the three pumps. The female blow up doll went in the chair and the six blow up sheep, one blow up shark, one blow up pig, and two blow up flamingos went around the office. They planted a camera and microphone above the door from and left locking the door behind them. They returned to the suv and waited.

Two hours later, they watched Morelli pull into the parking lot through the eye holes in their masks. He went into the police station and they waited for him to enter his office. Twenty minutes later they saw the office door open on the display and the light go on. They all heard him scream 'What the fuck!' and watched as the rest of the cops busted in.

Robin Russell started laughing so hard she bent at the waist, "I knew you and Steph broke up but damn Morelli."

Carl and Big Dog were laughing so hard they were holding on to each other, "I knew it would be fucking epic."

Morelli turned on them, "What do you mean?"

Big Dog laughed harder, "A female batman, a gas mask and a unicorn did this."

Morelli just started cussing up a storm. The threesome were laughing their asses off in the suv before heading out. The last thing they watched on the monitor was Morelli saying he was keeping the female blow up doll.


	11. Chapter 11

I own nothing although I would love to keep the Merry Men. Thanks for reading.

The meow thing is from Super Troopers and was in Office Hijinks. Due to popular request. Enjoy, I hope this lives up to expectation.

Warning: Language, Do **not** try this at home. As suggested, if you are reading at work, do so in private.

**Office Hijinks II Ch. 11**

Stephanie sat in her cube with her head in her hands. Her mother had been calling twenty times a day since the Morelli Incident as it was called. She was crying 'Why me?', 'What will the neighbors say?', 'How will you get Joseph to marry you now and have babies with you?'. Steph was done. She was going to get her mother, Helen, back. She called Tank and asked to borrow Lester, Hector, Cal, Zero, Vince, Woody, Manny, and Zip. He gave the go ahead so she called all the guys and told them that they were invited to her parents for dinner that night but that she was going to cause trouble so beware. After getting yeses from all, she called Helen to tell her.

"Plum Residence. Helen speaking."

"Hi mom, I'll come to dinner tonight. I have some news and I'll be bringing eight guests."

"Eight, what will be the Joseph and the neighbors think?"

"Don't worry about that mom. See you at six."

Steph hung up and went to the craft store and bought a pack of plastic golden rings.

**5:30 PM**

Steph met all the guys in the garage near the SUVs; she gave each a hug and a plastic golden ring for their left hand ring finger. She didn't answer looks or questions. She didn't explain at all. They left twenty minutes later for the Plum house using two SUVs. Her mom and grandma were waiting outside for them all but Steph still didn't explain as they all went in and sat down. Grandma made sure to sit between Lester and Manny even though Steph told her to behave. Dinner started and dishes were passed, finally Helen couldn't take it any more.

"Stephanie, now that we're all served, what's your news?"

Steph winked at all the guys and said the words that would shake everything up, "Mom, Grandma, Daddy, I got married. These are my husbands."

Helen took a deep drink of wine as Frank winked at her and Grandma laughed heartily, "Stephanie, you're engaged to Joseph. Besides you can't marry eight men."

Steph smiled broadly, "In Utah you can. These are my husbands, Lester, Hector, Cal, Zero, Vince, Woody, Manny, and Zip. I wanted to marry Hal too but he married Cindy Lou last night. I also wanted to marry Junior but he married Margaret in Hal and Cindy Lou's double wedding. Oh by the way, I'm pregnant and I don't know which guy is my babies' father. Although, the doctor said that since its triplets, they could each have been fertilized by different men. I sure hope so."

Steph had to stop at that point cause Helen passed out, fell from her chair, and hit her head. Frank laughed, "I guess I need to take her to the hospital. I'll tell her it was all a dream. I'll also tell her no more Morelli."

Grandma was laughing and clapping her hands, "I'm coming with you Frank."

They left and Steph looked at the guys, all of them sitting with their jaws dropped open.

I sighed and shook my head, "I was kidding guys. I'm not married and I'm not pregnant. Relax."

She watched as it was too much for Manny and Cal and they hit the floor. The other guys picked them up and they all left for Rangeman.

**The Next Day**

Helen woke up and realized that she couldn't remember going to bed the night before.

She shook her husband awake, "Frank, I had the weirdest dream about Stephanie marrying eight men and being pregnant with triplets. I also don't recall going to bed."

Frank pulled her down and cuddled her close, "Don't worry about it honey. It was just a dream. Besides, Steph is going to be with Ranger."

Helen sighed, "What about Joseph?"

Frank looked down at her, "He's not good enough for my pumpkin."

"Ok, I'll cross him off the list. We want the best for our youngest."

Frank kissed Helen's forehead, "Indeed we do, dear, indeed we do."


	12. Chapter 12

I own nothing although I would love to keep the Merry Men. Thanks for reading.

The meow thing is from Super Troopers and was in Office Hijinks.

Warning: Language, Do **not** try this at home. As suggested, if you are reading at work, do so in private.

**Office Hijinks II Ch. 12**

Steph sat in her cube wondering how Lester had managed to sneak up and strap her to her desk chair. He had locked the strap and said he would be back in a few hours and to stay out of trouble. She decided to play with someone via email since she couldn't go out.

**Email Start**

**Steph**: Hey Mooner, wanna play choose your own adventure?

**Mooner:** Hey Dudette, what's up?

**Steph**: Stuck in the office today cause I caused too much trouble. You wanna play?

**Mooner**: Huh? Ok, what do I do?

**Steph**: Just answer questions when I ask them based on what I tell you.

**Mooner**: Dudette I'm so fucking in. Let's do this.

**Steph**: I'll keep it simple. You and Dougie are at Joyce's house and she tells you that she has two pounds of excellent weed. She gets both of you high and asks you to have sex with her. Do you?

**Mooner**: EEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW NNOOOOOO!

**Steph**: So you and Dougie run away from her house with the rest of her weed so she gave chase. She follows both of you to my apartment but I'm not there. You guys go in the front door and out the fire escape. She's gaining on you screaming for her weed and sex. Where to next?

**Mooner**: To?

**Steph:** Where do you go after my apartment?

**Mooner**: We go to Dougie's house.

**Steph**: You get to Dougie's and she comes busting in the front door. You see a crow bar. What do you do?

**Mooner**: I ask her if she wants to smoke.

**Steph**: She takes you up on the offer and smokes some with you guys. After a few hours Joyce tells you and Dougie that she has a chain saw trick to show you. Do you watch it?

**Mooner**: Hell yes I watch it.

**Steph**: So you guys are all in the backyard and Joyce starts juggling three chain saws. After a few tries she accidently dropped on and it cut Dougie's legs off at the knees. You run around in circles and call 911. They come and take him to the hospital hoping to reattach his legs. You hold his medical power of attorney. Do you have them reattach Dougie's legs?

**Mooner**: Hell no, give him fake legs. Bionic Man! We have the technology, we can build him better!

**Steph**: Wow, didn't expect that.

**Mooner**: He gets his bionic legs and starts running everywhere and he's like super fast. So I decide I want to run to so I get Joyce to chain saw off my legs and I get some robot legs.

**Steph**: Mooner!

**Mooner:** So we're running really, really, really fast. Faster than Superman. So we're running and running so we decide to get robot arms too.

**Steph**: Sigh, Mooner! MOONER!

**Mooner: **Dudette, it'll be awesome. We just have to wait a couple years. Later.

**End Email**

Stephanie sat in her chair trying to figure out what just happened. Lester came up to unlock her and was stunned by her silence.

"You alright Beautiful?"

She sighed, "I think Mooner just owned me on choose your own adventure."

Lester hugged her, "It's ok Beautiful. He must have just smoked."

"I'm going to get him back tomorrow."


	13. Chapter 13

I own nothing although I would love to keep the Merry Men. Thanks for reading.

The meow thing is from Super Troopers and was in Office Hijinks.

Warning: Language, Do **not** try this at home. As suggested, if you are reading at work, do so in private. No ducks were harmed in the writing of this chapter.

**Office Hijinks II Ch. 13**

Steph eagerly opened the box that Woody had just delivered. As she pulled out all the stuffed animals, Lester walked up and sighed.

Picking up the biggest one Lester asked, "Are these for Vinnie? Is this Doris the duck?"

Steph started giggling, "Yup and her ducklings. Hector is going to put motion detectors on them so they talk as he walks by."

Lester shook his head, "I almost feel sorry for the perverted bastard."

Steph smacked Lester with a smaller duck as he walked away. She went to see Hector and he quickly put motion detectors on the ducks. Time for step one.

Steph took the voice changer from Hector and set it to make her voice sound more feminine. She dialed the untraceable phone Hector handed her and waited.

Connie answered the phone "Plum Bail Bonds. How may I help you?"

Steph cleared her throat, "May I speak to Vinnie please?"

"Can I tell him whose calling?"

"This is Doris about a personal matter."

"Hold please."

Steph was put on hold and heard a few minutes of music before Vinnie picked, "This is Vinnie. Whad'ya want?"

Steph swallowed a giggle, "Hey Vinnie. It's Doris. Remember that weekend we spent together a few weeks ago?"

Vinnie swallowed, "The only Doris I know can't really talk."

"Vinnie, it's me. Doris the duck. We made some babies a few weeks ago. They hatched a couple of days ago and we're going to come visit."

Steph heard the phone slam down. She looked at the cell phone, "I think Vinnie is a little upset." Hector started laughing at that point.

Steph called the bonds office again, "Plum Bail Bonds. How may I help you?"

"Hey Connie, its Steph."

"Hey, what's up girl?"

"Is the weasel in his porn den?"

"Nope, he got a phone call and ran out of here."

"Alright thanks."

Steph hung up and ran to her SUV with Hector hot on her heels. They arrived at the bonds office and entered. Steph put on some latex gloves and told Connie and Hector to keep watch. She entered Vinnie's office and arranged the big duck and the three baby ducks on the couch. She left and threw out the gloves. Her and Hector sat on the couch and waited while talking to Connie.

An hour later, Vinnie walked into his office but left the door open. They all heard the big duck with red lipstick say "Hey Vinnie". Vinnie looked around nervously before seeing the ducks on the couch.

He walked further into the room and heard duckling one say "Hi Daddy."

He froze and spun around to look at the ducks. Duckling two slightly lisped like a child missing teeth, "Daddy, yay daddy."

Vinnie squealed and yelled, "I'm not your daddy. I may have fucked your mother but humans and ducks can't make babies."

Duckling three laughed and said "Of course you're our daddy. Silly daddy."

Vinnie started quickly walking to the bonds office door as Joyce Barnhart walked in.

She hugged him tight in her skanky black leather outfit, "Vinnie, baby, guess what?"

Vinnie disengaged her from his person, "Uh what?"

"I'm knocked up and you're the only guy I've been with. There were a few women and other things but you're the only guy."

Vinnie turned ghost white and passed out.

Joyce stepped over him and turned to Steph, "You know Plum, I hate your guts but that was so worth the fifty bucks you paid me. I even have a pregnancy test that I drew two pink lines on."

Steph clapped her hands, "Damn Joyce. Bitch, put it in his hand so he can wake up to it."

Joyce glared at her before putting it in Vinnie's hand, "Fucking cow."

Connie just sat laughing and watching. She had gotten enough video to get her a raise. They all quickly left the office so no one would be around when he woke but the ducks placed carefully around Vinnie.


	14. Chapter 14

I own nothing although I would love to keep the Merry Men. It's mostly being done as emails between Stephanie and her Merry Man of the day. Thanks for reading.

The meow thing is from Super Troopers and was in Office Hijinks.

Warning: Language, topic may be offensive, Do **not** try this at home. As suggested, if you are reading at work, do so in private.

**Office Hijinks II Ch. 14**

Stephanie had been trying to behave at work since Tank had seemed a bit frustrated lately. She was getting terribly bored though. It was too quiet, too boring, and driving her nuts. Tank was out for the day though and she was going to have some serious fun. She stopped about a mile from Rangeman and pulled the fake pregnancy belly from the trunk of her car. She carefully put it on before pulling one of Ranger's shirts on over it. She left the black t-shirt loose so it hung over the fake belly and emphasized it. After making sure it was obvious in the side mirror, she got back in the car and drove to Rangeman. Her first victim was Lester as he was in the garage when she pulled in. Steph carefully got out of the car, making sure her belly showed, and heard Lester fall to the floor in a faint. She rushed over and tapped on his face to make him wake up.

She smacked him, "Lester, wake up."

He blinked his eyes, "Beautiful, what's that?"

She looked concerned, "What's what?"

Lester pointed at her stomach, "That! What's that? Is there something you want to tell me beautiful?"

Steph looked down, "It's a black cotton t-shirt Lester. It's actually Ranger's but he doesn't mind that I have several of his shirts."

Lester just nodded and Steph walked away. She kept this up all day. Every time someone pointed out her fake belly, she pretended she didn't know what they were talking about. She drove away that day laughing.

**The Next Day**

Steph pulled into Rangeman and went to the back seat of her car. She was no longer wearing the fake belly. She opened the back passenger side door of the car and pulled a Cabbage Patch Kid from a car seat that she had borrowed from her sister, st. Val. She put on a baby carrier backpack and put the doll in it. Ram got off the elevator and stared at her.

"Steph, what's that?"

She looked all around, "What's what?"

He looked at her chest, "The baby carrier with the doll in it. The one on your chest."

She looked down, "What are you talking about? What baby carrier with a doll?"

She went through this with all the guys on the floor. Each one had the same reaction with the same reaction from Steph. The real fun would happen the next day.

**The Second Day**

Steph pulled into Rangeman garage giggling. She got out of the car and put a doll the size of a six month old in the baby carrier with a sign that said 'Are you my daddy?' She pulled the same thing with all the guys. They would ask what was up with the baby and note and she was pretend ignorance. She was just waiting for Tank to arrive so the real fun could begin. As soon as she saw him walk in at 1400 hours, she pretended to get to work. She smothered a giggle when Tank walked over to her and looked at her odd. Fun time.

She carefully removed the note from the baby carrier and jumped up to face him, "Tank, we need to talk. The baby needs a father. You can't just abandon her. She can't grow up without her daddy."

Tank froze holding the doll in his arms. His mouth was dropped open and he just stared at it.

"Well Tank, what do you think of her? Her name is Tabitha. She's pretty as a picture isn't she?"

Tank swallowed twice, "Steph, what are you talking about? She's a doll, not a baby. I'm not a father. I don't have any kids. Are you feeling alright? Too much stress?"

Steph was tempted to let the giggle loose but didn't, "Tank, what are you talking about? Of course, she's a baby. She's your daughter."

Tank was worried about her mental health so he decided to play along. Holding the 'baby' more carefully, he asked "Steph, whose her mother?"

"Why I am of course. Don't you remember? How could you possibly forget that one magical night? Didn't it mean anything to you Tank?"

Tank sighed, "Ok Steph. I remember."

Steph sighed happily, "Oh Tank, now we can get married and be a family. We can give Tabitha lots of brothers and sisters."

It was at the suggestion of marriage that Tank broke. He tossed 'Tabitha' at Lester as he ran from the control room. All the guys watched him run then turned to look at Steph as she laughed merrily.

Lester walked up with the doll, "Something you want to tell us?"

She giggled loudly, "That was easier than I thought it would be."


	15. Chapter 15

I own nothing although I would love to keep the Merry Men. It's mostly being done as emails between Stephanie and her Merry Man of the day. Thanks for reading.

The meow thing is from Super Troopers and was in Office Hijinks.

Warning: Language. As suggested, if you are reading at work, do so in private. Only one more chapter after this one, the pranking of Ranger.

**Office Hijinks II Ch. 15**

Steph pulled into the garage of Rangeman and glanced nervously up at the camera by the elevator. She swallowed hard and tightened the belt on her trench coat. Getting out of the car, she gave a finger wave to the cameras and entered the elevator. She arrived on the fifth floor and tugged her hat a bit lower.

Lester saw her first, "Hey Beautiful, what's with the coat and hat?"

He tugged the hat off her head and total silence fell as they all took in her brown, green, and pink stripped hair.

Tank finally got his voice back, "What the hell?"

Steph unbelted the trench and let it fall, "I'm letting my freak flag fly."

She stood still so the guys could fully check out her black and pink tutu with ripped fishnets, knee high zip up black boots, and a t-shirt that read 'You! Shut your mouth when you're talking to me!' Her hair was the normal curly brown but with green and pink strips going through it in pig tails like a little girl. She had put fake earrings all around her ears, a fake piercing in her eyebrow and a fake on in her lip. The guys were all stunned silent.

Cal was the first to speak, "Angel, where'd you get the new look?"

Steph twirled some hair around her finger, "Just trying something new."

She bounced away to her cubicle and started working. She worked until an hour before lunch than went to see Hector on the third floor.

She entered his work space, "Hola Hector."

"Hola Angelita. Que pasa?"

She sat in his visitor chair, "I'm messing with the guys. Would you care to join me?"

He smiled and leaned back, "What do you have in mind?"

Steph giggled, "I have a costume in my truck for each of us. We will go to lunch then change."

Hector stood and grabbed his utility belt, "I'm in. Let's go."

After lunch the guys all watched the monitors to get a peak at Steph when she arrived in her get up. They were shocked to see her get out of her car in an Asian school girl costume and Hector get out dressed as a tentacle monster. They stood by the car briefly then Hector chased Steph in slow motion around the garage. The guys all watched the monitors in awe. They were still watching ten minutes later when a familiar black 2013 Porsche GT3 pulled into the garage. They all watched as Ranger got out and grabbed Steph as she ran by. They all watched as she realized who had her and threw her arms and legs around him. They watched in the garage then switched to the elevator cameras as Ranger carried his babe up to his seventh floor apartment leaving Hector in the garage in a tentacle monster costume. They went back to the garage camera after Binkie left the office to the stairs. They all watched as Binkie chased Hector and caught him before carting him off to the fourth floor.


End file.
